Shriek of the Week: Seagull

Recent research confirms that all gulls are in fact seagulls

Seagulls emit a myriad range of calls, from squawks and mews to that familiar, piercing rooftop laugh. While these may sound very different to the human ear, science has now established that each of these varied vocalisations has, in fact, just one meaning: “I see your chips”.

Although often thought of as birds, seagulls are in fact a different order of lifeforms altogether, and are formed of just one superspecies, Larus badass.

Smaller seagulls may appear to be so different from the larger specimens that they must be a different species. Don’t be fooled! You are in fact just further away from them.

The ones that are further away sometimes begin to sport a brown head in early spring. This is not the genuine colour of their feathers, but is painted on by small children as part of a long-standing springtime tradition started by Princess Margaret.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it’s about this time of year that most of these gulls disappear from anywhere near children. They spend the next few months on remote marshland or coastal islands, raising young to take their mind off things, practising hot yoga and gradually losing the pigmentation by the autumn.

By then they can often be found again inland. They love the radio stations that farmers listen to, and may be seen following tractors in large numbers.

Studies by the British Trust for Ornithology have show that the biggest flocks of seagulls tend to gather when Absolute 80s is on, although TalkSPORT 2 is also “a favourite”.

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Next week: Birds Aren’t Real